Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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