i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
