i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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