Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
