Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
