in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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