if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
