Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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