Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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