just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
