But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize