I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
