I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Randomize
