If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
