Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
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