My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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