Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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