She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
