Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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