He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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