I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
