just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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