I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
