The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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