her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
