Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
