Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
