if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
