hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
