1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
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