he shaved USA in his pubs
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
