Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
