1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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