He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
