I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
What a fucking waste of an outfit
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
