He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
