I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
