i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
