every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Randomize
