hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
