Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
