if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
