I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
