My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
