I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Randomize
