I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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