I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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