I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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