I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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