Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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