You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
