My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
