Don't make out with my wife yet
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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