Someone shit on the floor
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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