Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
