Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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