So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
