it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
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