I heard we made out
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Come share oat with me in your robe
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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