Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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