she woke up with a sticky ear
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Randomize
