Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
